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#theonion

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The Onion

Russell Brand Invited To Florida College To Teach Sexual Assault Workshop

SARASOTA, FL—As part of an effort to expose the student body to a variety of cultural perspectives, the New College of Florida announced Thursday that it had invited English comedian and podcaster Russell Brand to teach a sexual assault workshop. “Mr. Brand has an incredible range of experience he can share with both…
#theonion
theonion.com/russell-brand-inv

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The Onion

Trump Boasts About Strong-Arming Trump Into Pausing Tariffs

WASHINGTON—Bragging that he had forced the world leader into “total submission,” President Donald Trump boasted to reporters Thursday that he had strong-armed President Donald Trump into pausing his latest round of tariffs. “I said to him, ‘Donald, these reciprocal tariffs have got to go,’ and that poor son of a bitch was like putty in […]
The …
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theonion.com/trump-boasts-abou

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merdaverse

“Enough with woke environmentalism,” Elon Musk announces the petrol-powered Tesla [Italian]

lemmy.world/post/28018087

lemmy.world“Enough with woke environmentalism,” Elon Musk announces the petrol-powered Tesla [Italian] - Lemmy.WorldEarth (Planet fairly close to Mars) – Elon Musk likes a few things: putting an X in the names of things he buys from others, electric cars, and publicly humiliating himself with embarrassing behavior. Then there are some things Elon Musk hates: his children, happy people, and woke. Just last night, Elon Musk made headlines again by announcing Tesla’s latest revolution: ToXXXic, a 5-ton SUV powered exclusively by premium gasoline, “because I’m sick of all this gender fluid electricity.” “Woke environmentalism is out of control,” Musk said as he lit a barbecue with a solar panel used as charcoal. “People want to hear the sound of pistons again, the smell of gasoline, and the adrenaline rush of knowing that with a tank of gas you are warming the planet a little. It’s romantic! Plus, we all know that electricity turns children into transsexuals.” The new model promises to travel 6 kilometers per liter , as long as the driver is light-footed and lives downhill. Musk also announced that the gasoline-powered Tesla will be equipped with artificial intelligence that insults Greta Thunberg every time the engine is started. In Italy, the news has already found supporters: Salvini has pre-ordered 12 units , one for each region “freed from the ZTLs”, while Giorgia Meloni has asked that it be used as a government car “for ideological and chromatic reasons” . Meanwhile, some long-time Tesla fans pretended to suddenly discover Musk’s fascist turn, expressing doubts: “But this way he betrays everything he believed in … like clean energy, innovation, decency …”. When finally asked if he also intends to produce a diesel version , Musk replied: “I’m thinking about it, but only if it’s in the best interest of the stakeholders.”
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The Onion

Trump Boys Hook Dollar Bill Up To Potato To Make Cryptocurrency

PALM BEACH, FL—Boasting that they were about to become “gajillionaires” thanks to their technological innovation, the Trump boys reportedly hooked a dollar bill up to a potato Tuesday in an attempt to make cryptocurrency. “Uncle Elon told us all about how crypto works, and now we’ve built a mining rig that’s gonna make us free money!” […
#theonion
theonion.com/trump-boys-hook-d

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The Onion

Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death

WASHINGTON—Warning that even the slightest dent, knick, or scratch would henceforth be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that Raymond Pratt, a 54-year-old resident of Chula Vista, CA who bumped a Tesla while parallel parking, had been sentenced to death. “Let me be clear: This man, w…
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theonion.com/man-who-bumped-te

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The Onion

RFK Jr. Orders Removal Of Sinks From HHS Bathrooms

WASHINGTON—As part of a sweeping overhaul of the building’s plumbing system, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly ordered the removal of sinks Tuesday from all bathrooms in the Department of Health and Human Services headquarters. “People across the world lived for thousands of years without sinks, and they were just fine—healthier, even,” said Kennedy, who noted […]…
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theonion.com/rfk-jr-orders-rem

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The Onion

Nestlé Buys E.Coli For $2.3 Billion

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—With the food conglomerate saying the acquisition made sense given its longstanding strategic partnership with the pathogen, Nestlé released a statement Friday confirming it had purchased E. coli for $2.3 billion. “We’re excited to take a legacy coliform bacterium with a tried-and-true method of sickening people and provide it with new avenues for widespread outbreaks,” CEO…
#theonion
theonion.com/nestle-buys-e-col

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